Have you ever felt hurt or insulted by the words or actions
of another person, only to be told by them that you’re just being oversensitive?
How did this make you feel?
Many people who are accused of being oversensitive are, in
fact, not at all. But some of those people may well be highly sensitive.
A highly sensitive person is not the same as an
oversensitive person. A highly sensitive person is very empathetic, very in
tune with other people’s feelings. They go beyond sympathy and really feel
other people's experiences, whether that be joy or sadness. They are deep
thinkers and will ponder over matters for much longer than many people. Being
highly sensitive is a positive trait; these people are born that way and
without them, we would have far fewer carers in the world: nurses, care workers,
therapists and your favourite teachers. There would be fewer artists,
musicians, writers, poets, philosophers etc., and the output would be less
diverse. In other words, highly sensitive people really matter and should be
valued, not torn down for their insights or have their talents labelled with
the negative personality trait, ‘oversensitive’.
I believe that in most cases where someone is accused of being
oversensitive, it has usually come from an insensitive
person who has just said or done something very insensitive. This can have a
very toxic ripple effect. To start with, the accused person has been doubly
assaulted: first by the insensitive behaviour and secondly by the negative and false
accusation of being oversensitive. That poor person will come away from the
interaction feeling hurt and confused about what just happened and how others see them.
The insensitive person, on the other hand, comes away
feeling satisfied and justified. In their mind, they told the person the truth
and then, because of the way that person reacted, ‘discovered’ that they were
mentally unstable and rightly pointed it out to them. People like this rarely
feel bad that they’ve upset someone but more pleased with themselves that
they’ve told the victim what’s what, put the world to rights and made
themselves look good into the bargain.
But it often goes further than that. The insensitive person may
then broadcast the story to others and use it to demonstrate that the victim is
mentally unhinged in some way. Some people (usually those who don’t know the
victim) will believe it at face value, others will doubt it but nod and agree,
either because it’s too trivial to them to question or because they don’t want
to challenge the person for fear of making them cross. Some may strongly
disagree but know that the person will fly into a rage if challenged and will
also make supportive noises and gestures to the insensitive person. This
empowers the insensitive person even more – everyone agrees with them! They
will then ‘know’ they are right and use everyone they have told their story to
as supporting evidence.
All this, in turn, deepens the victim’s sense of confusion
as to who they are and what actually happened, and if treated this way
regularly, this can lead to serious mental health problems.
There are, in my view, very few true instances of
oversensitivity, if any at all. I believe that the vast majority of perceived
oversensitivity is due to previous emotional/physical trauma. In other words,
unlike highly sensitive people, so-called oversensitive people become so
through conditioning. If someone says or does something seemingly innocuous
that triggers a flashback of a traumatic experience, a person may react in a
seemingly oversensitive manner, but once you understand what is going on in
that person’s mind, it makes perfect sense – anyone would react like that,
given the past experiences they have suffered.
It makes it even worse for the victim if they encounter the
insensitive person on a regular basis. Their previous experiences will elevate
their stress levels when they are around the insensitive person. They will be
watchful, wary and on guard and more likely to react ‘oversensitively’ to the things they say. Of course, when this
happens, the insensitive person can turn around and say, ‘See! There you go!
Oversensitive – I told you! And it’s not just me who says it – everyone knows how oversensitive you
are!’ This compounds the sense of confusion and pain in the victim, as well as
a growing sense of frustration and anger. It is a truly horrible experience and
very damaging.
The cycle of abuse I have just described is called
‘gaslighting’ and is a favourite tactic employed by people who have
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). People with NPD believe they are
superior to most people. They have a sense of entitlement and always have a
reason to hand – based on experience, life circumstance, status, etc. – as to
why this is so. They lack empathy and are unable to see another person’s point
of view – they sometimes pretend to but can’t. They believe they are always
right, and they don’t reflect on their own behaviour other than looking back
proudly to relive the moment they proved themselves to be right. If anyone
challenges them, they suffer ‘narcissistic injury’ and punish the challenger by
flying into a rage and being abusive or passive-aggressive and giving the
silent treatment, or both. They will also go to extreme lengths to prove that
they are right, and their challenger is wrong, often using gaslighting to do
so. A person with NPD believes they are unique and special and expects to be
treated as such. They don’t believe they have to conform to the usual social
norms, like saying, ‘Please,’ or, ‘Thank you.’ They surround themselves with
high-status (in their eyes) ‘friends’ who make them look good by association.
Someone I know, who has NPD, was showing me a picture that they had in their
house and declared that they ‘knew’ everyone in it. They had – very amusingly
and imaginatively, in their eyes – assigned every ‘important’ friend of theirs
to a character in the picture, and there it was, on their wall – that must make them a very special person indeed!
People with NPD are arrogant and bossy – THEY LOVE TO USE
SHOUTY CAPITALS IN THEIR EMAILS!!!! They have an air of grandiosity about them
and take a lecturing, patronising and pompous tone when they speak to others.
They are emotionally exploitative and manipulative and always leave their victims
(which is just about everyone who isn’t one of their special friends) feeling
like sh*t.
NPD sufferers are constantly seeking admiration from others
and will go to great lengths to elicit it. Some lie, some actually invest a
huge amount of time to achieve praiseworthy goals, all devote their lives to
building an image of perfection for everyone to admire. This attention is
called ‘narcissistic supply’ and a narcissist cannot live without it. They also
get supply by putting people down, using techniques like gaslighting, to
establish and maintain their image.
People who develop NPD usually have, contrary to their
outward image, crippling feelings of inadequacy, coupled with a fear of failure
and public humiliation. It is a shame-based personality. The person they
project to the world is a fake image, and they work 24/7 to keep it intact so
that no one will see the real them. If they think someone has ‘seen’ them, they
will go into attack mode and use all their narcissistic arsenal to tear that
person down, put them back in their place and keep their image safe.
Sadly, these people are also victims, they, too, were most
likely raised by a narcissist and that abuse has led them to become one too.
Even sadder, NPD sufferers rarely get treatment as they will never, ever accept
that the problem lies within them. It’s always someone else’s fault, and that
someone else is usually mentally unstable – OVERSENSITIVE!!!
Whilst understanding that the NPD person is also a victim,
it is important to protect yourself from these people. They are very, very
toxic and will harm you emotionally. If you are in a relationship with someone
like this, or your boss shows signs of it
or a family member, do yourself a favour – learn more about it, the internet is
teeming with excellent information and support – and do, please, get advice.
Thank you for reading!
