I was raised in the 70s and 80s when it’s generally agreed
that parenting styles were very different. Top priorities back then were
ensuring that your child was fed, clothed, educated and disciplined for any
transgressions. This was all well and good, our physical and academic needs
were well met, but emotional nurturing was left very much to the personalities
of the parents and the vibe that this generated within the family – a well-being
lottery if you like. Schools offered a similar
deal, feeding you through the system, spitting you out at the end with a clutch
of O and A levels, with little support for friendship/personal issues. This
type of parenting and schooling meant that if you had problems, you pretty much
had to deal with them on your own. We had to find our own way through the
minefield of relationships, worries, body issues, alcohol (and other
substances) and sex. Some might say this was ‘character building’, but for many, we became victims, bullies or a
combination of the two. Some of us suffered mental illness, developed low self-respect
and were ill-equipped to deal with
alcohol and sexual relationships, making us behave inappropriately or
dangerously and vulnerable to abuse. The vast majority of us did indeed pull
through – we figured out who we were, how to move forward and become
successful, kind and reasonably well-adjusted people. But with a bit of
support, advice and guidance, this could have been so much easier for us, and
we would have far less ‘baggage’ to deal with in our ongoing lives.
This type of upbringing is now known
as ‘under-parenting’, where parents fail to acknowledge and address their child’s
emotional needs. Fifty years ago, it was the norm – these days, you'd have a social worker knocking at your door.
As a parent of four children with a sixteen-year age gap
between the oldest and youngest, I have witnessed the change in approach when
it comes to supporting and nurturing children as they grow. We now keep a
watchful eye on their mental well-being. We understand the importance of listening
to our children, not just their worries but the things that have made them
happy too. We know we must respect their thoughts and believe that what they
say is important to them. We teach them to be loving and kind towards their
siblings and not allow teasing to go too far or become one-sided. We offer guidance
with friendship issues. We make an effort to ‘catch them being good’ and give
them lots of praise. When they are naughty, we give them a chance to explain
their actions before giving well-considered sanctions. We help them with the
stresses of school life and guide them to establish a healthy work–life balance. As they grow, we talk openly
about body image, sex and alcohol and advise them on staying safe as they enter
the adult world. It is interesting to note that, according to a recent study,
young people are drinking much less and, in fact, almost 30% of 16-24-year-olds
do not drink at all.
It isn’t just parents who have changed the way they care for
children’s emotional development. Most schools now acknowledge the importance
of mental well-being and offer services to support young people and their
parents. My children’s school runs seminars and workshops for parents and
students, covering an extensive range of issues and have a large pastoral team who deal with problems
that students are experiencing. They take mental welfare very seriously and
believe that you can only achieve your full potential academically if you are
feeling happy, confident and safe.
It could be argued that there was nothing wrong with the way
children used to be brought up. Why shouldn’t they find their own way – it didn’t
do us any harm, it made us who we are. I would say, yes it does make you who
you are but perhaps not the best version of who you could have been, and that
it can do untold harm. The habits you pick up as a teenager/young adult and the
way you view and conduct yourself at that time do tend to stick. Untreated
mental health problems and attitudes towards self-image, relationships and
addictive substances that develop during childhood become deep-rooted and often
last a lifetime, with the sufferer in a permanent state of ‘management’.
This 21st-century wave of awareness and proactive
involvement in children’s emotional development can only be seen as a positive
step in turning out well-adjusted, happy individuals. But as the pendulum
swings away from under-parenting, it poses the risk of sliding into over-parenting, which can be equally
damaging. Over-parenting takes the form of excessive praise/attention/interference, minimal/biased discipline or telling the child they are gifted in some way.
Constantly praising
children has been shown to have a negative effect. Many realise they are being
praised for little reason which diminishes its significance and can actually damage
self-esteem – a kind of ‘is this really the best you think I can be?’ thing. This
is one reason for many schools no longer giving out stickers, and also because
it normalises praise – children start to see it as an entitlement rather than
something special. Parents who believe their child can do no wrong also do them a dis-service in failing to help them develop healthy relationships and these children often go through school experiencing endless friendship issues. Telling a child that they are talented when they simply just
like doing something can be dangerous, as when they eventually discover
they aren’t that great, just normal, it can come as a massive blow. They may feel they have
been deceived and this can lead to trust and anger issues to go alongside a loss
of confidence and sense of failure (you only have to watch The X-Factor to see this
played out). Over-praising can also cause a child to believe they are perfect
and superior, which can result in relationship problems, depression and a
constant pressure to perform. The ‘helicopter parent’ who constantly interferes
with their child’s life and friendships and is always on the phone to school
over trivial matters runs the risk of transferring their continual fretting to
the child, who can end up with anxiety issues of their own.
And, of course, it’s entirely possible to simultaneously under-
and over-parent – make your child believe they are God’s gift whilst failing to
notice and address their emotional needs. This can have a particularly toxic effect and lead to very unpleasant personality disorders.
What a very difficult line for us to tread, and I, for one,
know I don’t get it right a lot of the time. It's about judging when and how to step in or back off – a fine balance of giving the right amount
of support and advice to equip them to independently deal with what life throws
at them.
But even if we do underdo it or overdo it occasionally, we can
take comfort in the knowledge that by including emotional nurturing on our list
of parental responsibilities, we’ve taken a huge step forward in providing a positive
future for our children.
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