If
you see a sign that says ‘PRIVATE’, it’s generally there for one of two
reasons. It may be for the benefit of others – perhaps what’s inside is
dangerous, so the sign protects people and prevents them from getting hurt. But
it may be there to benefit the person who put up the sign – to stop people from
intruding on their personal space or seeing things that person would rather
they didn’t.
Have
you ever queried someone's hurtful or confusing behaviour and been told that they are a private
person, and for that reason, you have to reverently accept what they have
done without question? Or even been told that you're nosey and interfering to have raised the issue in the first place?
I
think that people who are described as private also fall broadly into one of the
two camps mentioned above. And I think that either way, their reason for being ‘private’
is very likely caused by previous trauma.
Rather
like the ‘private’ sign that prevents people from getting hurt, some people are
private because they don’t want others to suffer as a result of sharing their
experiences. They only allow trained professionals or a select few to learn what’s inside them. They are being private through care
and concern for others. There are many survivors of unimaginable trauma, the
holocaust, 9/11, natural disasters for example, who rarely speak of what
happened to them. These people can be quiet and introspective but also kind
and empathic. These people are less likely to display targeted hurtful behaviour - you're more likely to conclude for yourself (rather than being told) that they're private from their general closed-shop demeanour.
The
other group is private to protect themselves, to defend against what they
perceive as intrusion. This is because they don’t want people to see what’s
really going on inside them. Again, due to previous trauma (which could, in fact, be the same traumas as above but is usually due to childhood experiences), these people have
carefully created a mask, a shiny veneer on their personality, and no one must
see who they really are. They often have trust issues and become very defensive
or hostile if they think another person has ‘seen’ them. This type of private
person can be very scathing about emotionally literate, empathic people,
support groups and careers like social work, psychology and psychiatry. They
accuse these people of being interfering, nosey and busybodies. The closer they
feel someone is getting to seeing them, the more aggressive and rude this type
of person becomes. It is usually someone else - an enabler - who informs you they are a private person in order to exonerate them and restore their image.
