What does the description ‘private person’ really say about someone?

photo by Burst

If you see a sign that says ‘PRIVATE’, it’s generally there for one of two reasons. It may be for the benefit of others – perhaps what’s inside is dangerous, so the sign protects people and prevents them from getting hurt. But it may be there to benefit the person who put up the sign – to stop people from intruding on their personal space or seeing things that person would rather they didn’t.

Have you ever queried someone's hurtful or confusing behaviour and been told that they are a private person, and for that reason, you have to reverently accept what they have done without question? Or even been told that you're nosey and interfering to have raised the issue in the first place?

I think that people who are described as private also fall broadly into one of the two camps mentioned above. And I think that either way, their reason for being ‘private’ is very likely caused by previous trauma.

Rather like the ‘private’ sign that prevents people from getting hurt, some people are private because they don’t want others to suffer as a result of sharing their experiences. They only allow trained professionals or a select few to learn what’s inside them. They are being private through care and concern for others. There are many survivors of unimaginable trauma, the holocaust, 9/11, natural disasters for example, who rarely speak of what happened to them. These people can be quiet and introspective but also kind and empathic. These people are less likely to display targeted hurtful behaviour - you're more likely to conclude for yourself (rather than being told) that they're private from their general closed-shop demeanour.

The other group is private to protect themselves, to defend against what they perceive as intrusion. This is because they don’t want people to see what’s really going on inside them. Again, due to previous trauma (which could, in fact, be the same traumas as above but is usually due to childhood experiences), these people have carefully created a mask, a shiny veneer on their personality, and no one must see who they really are. They often have trust issues and become very defensive or hostile if they think another person has ‘seen’ them. This type of private person can be very scathing about emotionally literate, empathic people, support groups and careers like social work, psychology and psychiatry. They accuse these people of being interfering, nosey and busybodies. The closer they feel someone is getting to seeing them, the more aggressive and rude this type of person becomes. It is usually someone else - an enabler - who informs you they are a private person in order to exonerate them and restore their image.

Of course, I reserve judgement until I’ve figured out which kind of ‘private’ a person is, but for me, the description is a red flag, especially when it’s being used as an excuse for being obnoxious. It goes along with ‘they say it how it is’, ‘they don’t suffer fools’ and ‘oh, well, that’s just So-and-so’ – as if these are valid reasons for accepting appalling behaviour and abuse. These days, phrases like that have me running for the hills.